american idle

WELL HI

It has been like half a year since the last post. Oops. Also I spared you, reader, by re-designing the blog before typing a single word on this. It took only a finished semester of school and a month into summer to come back and realize how much the old design abused the poor blog-reading eyes. I cannot even believe you took time to read this thing when all you could soak in was corny font and a loud repeat pattern of splatter-painted clouds. You wonderful creature. Anyway, I'm hoping this new look doesn't give you as much of a headache as you hopefully persevere through this whole post. Hm. Now what to chat about.

Reader, if you've been journeying with me at all this year, you would know that the purpose of this blog is not to catch you up on the detailed happenings of my life. That would be exhausting (and boring) for both of us and it would make this all about me. A much more purposeful approach is to express how the Lord has worked and taught in my life, and hopefully something you can find hope in or relate to as well. God is BIG and is worth talking about all the time, my reading friends.

Currently floating in the deep of summer, I've discovered something. I have three places where I have lived most of my life at. The first is Savannah, Georgia where I attend school. The second is Pine Cove Christian Camps in Tyler, Texas where I've attended as a camper and get to spend my second half of summer there as a staffer. The third (and obvious) place of residency is my hometown in Dallas, Texas.  As I'm currently home in Dallas, I have a lot of time to reflect on life at the other two places. You see, dear Reader, the attitude I hold as a student away at SCAD or a staffer at camp is one of non-stop action and activity. In Savannah I realized that I functioned the best when I could balance my workload with involvement in things like Younglife and RUF, which always kept me busy and therefore not usually idle in my thoughts. At camp, a strict schedule is set for me, always surrounding me with other people and tasks, creating a purpose and drive within me that I usually can't make myself aquire on my own time.  To sum it up, at these places I feel like a non-stop engine just chugging along in the happy routines I've let myself obtain, and I forget what it's like to just lie on a couch and watch hours of TV and be okay with it.

And then the engine halts as I pull into my driveway in Texas.

There is nothing like coming back after spending most of your year elsewhere. Whenever I come home after a while I just have the urge to exhale violently and take a nose-dive onto my favorite napping couch in the living room with my cat. It's a safe place, that house, a place where there's always a guarantee of family and acceptance. It's a total home base, comfort zone, and sanctuary. And I'm utterly thankful for that. But here at home there's always this habit, you see...

I didn't realize the pattern early on in the game, but there's a tendency of sneaky, spiritual idleness that finds a way to creep in as I enjoy the comforts of home. I'm not constantly reminded of my need for Christ daily because, well, all my physical needs seem to be met when I'm under the roof of my parents and loved ones. I'm not necessarily mentally strained too, for whenever I'm home it's because of a break from my studies and busy life. So my guard is down, I leave my socks (and bundles of other junk) lying on my bedroom floor because I'm not sharing my space anymore, I watch more TV, and spending time in the Word is pushed aside more often than not in lieu of procrastination. I'm the weird, gross, lethargic version of myself. Yarf.

And then I think about rest. How are we supposed to handle this? Is that what I'm participating in right now?  Because everywhere else than here I'm up up up going going going and I'm with people 24/7. So it should seem that I deserve a month or so of laziness. But then why do I feel so crummy about it thus far?

I have a hunch that the difference between what I'm in right now versus real rest is that I'm not letting God experience it with me. I'm really into the verse Colossians 3:23, where it says everything we do should be for God, and not for man. I'm included in "man" here. If I switch off my communication with God, that is not a break for me. For you see, reader, when God isn't in my heart and mind guess who takes over? My sinful, worldly human noggin. It's actually the worst. Like you don't even realize it until you step back and realize why you do what you do. So when I'm "resting" from my adventure with Christ, it's not real rest because I let myself become enslaved to useless thoughts of this world. That could look different for a lot of people. But it can include worrying about the opinion of others or negative thought towards responsibility or rudeness to your family. We are s-i-n-f-u-l when we don't even mean to be you guys!!

TV is not a bad thing. Naps and staying in during the weekend are NOT bad. But reader, if you trudge through your days living for your personal "me time", a gray cloud of self will fog your sights on what you're called to do. Love God and love people. And sometimes I let myself get cranky and march out of work not making eye contact with anyone, just wanting to get home to my couch. That's probably not how Jesus would've done it. And it's hard. But that's why we get to depend on this neat Savior, even when we fail most of the time.

Rest is given by Him. Without it used as intended, we would probably pop or fall over. Because we can't serve without acknowledging that nothing we do is on our own strength. Breaks are supposed to rejuvenate the thirst for adventure. And Reader, I don't want to miss out on the adventure.

So please pray for me, as my break here is almost over as I head to work at camp for the second half of summer. Since it's a place I absolutely love, my fear is that I'll spend my days there for me, and not for serving the team of staffers and the middle school campers. Pray that I can merely be used to love people the way they need to be loved. Pray for the campers to experience a relationship with Jesus.

Pray that I can finally clean my room before I leave... sorry Mama Kat.