american idle

WELL HI

It has been like half a year since the last post. Oops. Also I spared you, reader, by re-designing the blog before typing a single word on this. It took only a finished semester of school and a month into summer to come back and realize how much the old design abused the poor blog-reading eyes. I cannot even believe you took time to read this thing when all you could soak in was corny font and a loud repeat pattern of splatter-painted clouds. You wonderful creature. Anyway, I'm hoping this new look doesn't give you as much of a headache as you hopefully persevere through this whole post. Hm. Now what to chat about.

Reader, if you've been journeying with me at all this year, you would know that the purpose of this blog is not to catch you up on the detailed happenings of my life. That would be exhausting (and boring) for both of us and it would make this all about me. A much more purposeful approach is to express how the Lord has worked and taught in my life, and hopefully something you can find hope in or relate to as well. God is BIG and is worth talking about all the time, my reading friends.

Currently floating in the deep of summer, I've discovered something. I have three places where I have lived most of my life at. The first is Savannah, Georgia where I attend school. The second is Pine Cove Christian Camps in Tyler, Texas where I've attended as a camper and get to spend my second half of summer there as a staffer. The third (and obvious) place of residency is my hometown in Dallas, Texas.  As I'm currently home in Dallas, I have a lot of time to reflect on life at the other two places. You see, dear Reader, the attitude I hold as a student away at SCAD or a staffer at camp is one of non-stop action and activity. In Savannah I realized that I functioned the best when I could balance my workload with involvement in things like Younglife and RUF, which always kept me busy and therefore not usually idle in my thoughts. At camp, a strict schedule is set for me, always surrounding me with other people and tasks, creating a purpose and drive within me that I usually can't make myself aquire on my own time.  To sum it up, at these places I feel like a non-stop engine just chugging along in the happy routines I've let myself obtain, and I forget what it's like to just lie on a couch and watch hours of TV and be okay with it.

And then the engine halts as I pull into my driveway in Texas.

There is nothing like coming back after spending most of your year elsewhere. Whenever I come home after a while I just have the urge to exhale violently and take a nose-dive onto my favorite napping couch in the living room with my cat. It's a safe place, that house, a place where there's always a guarantee of family and acceptance. It's a total home base, comfort zone, and sanctuary. And I'm utterly thankful for that. But here at home there's always this habit, you see...

I didn't realize the pattern early on in the game, but there's a tendency of sneaky, spiritual idleness that finds a way to creep in as I enjoy the comforts of home. I'm not constantly reminded of my need for Christ daily because, well, all my physical needs seem to be met when I'm under the roof of my parents and loved ones. I'm not necessarily mentally strained too, for whenever I'm home it's because of a break from my studies and busy life. So my guard is down, I leave my socks (and bundles of other junk) lying on my bedroom floor because I'm not sharing my space anymore, I watch more TV, and spending time in the Word is pushed aside more often than not in lieu of procrastination. I'm the weird, gross, lethargic version of myself. Yarf.

And then I think about rest. How are we supposed to handle this? Is that what I'm participating in right now?  Because everywhere else than here I'm up up up going going going and I'm with people 24/7. So it should seem that I deserve a month or so of laziness. But then why do I feel so crummy about it thus far?

I have a hunch that the difference between what I'm in right now versus real rest is that I'm not letting God experience it with me. I'm really into the verse Colossians 3:23, where it says everything we do should be for God, and not for man. I'm included in "man" here. If I switch off my communication with God, that is not a break for me. For you see, reader, when God isn't in my heart and mind guess who takes over? My sinful, worldly human noggin. It's actually the worst. Like you don't even realize it until you step back and realize why you do what you do. So when I'm "resting" from my adventure with Christ, it's not real rest because I let myself become enslaved to useless thoughts of this world. That could look different for a lot of people. But it can include worrying about the opinion of others or negative thought towards responsibility or rudeness to your family. We are s-i-n-f-u-l when we don't even mean to be you guys!!

TV is not a bad thing. Naps and staying in during the weekend are NOT bad. But reader, if you trudge through your days living for your personal "me time", a gray cloud of self will fog your sights on what you're called to do. Love God and love people. And sometimes I let myself get cranky and march out of work not making eye contact with anyone, just wanting to get home to my couch. That's probably not how Jesus would've done it. And it's hard. But that's why we get to depend on this neat Savior, even when we fail most of the time.

Rest is given by Him. Without it used as intended, we would probably pop or fall over. Because we can't serve without acknowledging that nothing we do is on our own strength. Breaks are supposed to rejuvenate the thirst for adventure. And Reader, I don't want to miss out on the adventure.

So please pray for me, as my break here is almost over as I head to work at camp for the second half of summer. Since it's a place I absolutely love, my fear is that I'll spend my days there for me, and not for serving the team of staffers and the middle school campers. Pray that I can merely be used to love people the way they need to be loved. Pray for the campers to experience a relationship with Jesus.

Pray that I can finally clean my room before I leave... sorry Mama Kat.

i'm a beaut

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." 
-C. S. Lewis 

   About six weeks ago for one of my drawing classes I had to write a 1500 word essay about beauty. Fun right? Duh. Well, first we watched this video of this British guy, Roger Scruton, ranting about how current art has turned "ugly" and "corrupted" due to the loss of appreciation of beauty in society. Things aren't created anymore just for the sake of beauty or loveliness- they have to have a use, benefit the viewer in some way, or make a loud, offensive "statement". He showed us examples of things like a urinal on display in a gallery or a pile of trash called "art". Or those modern paintings with a singular dot in the middle of a canvas that make you turn your head like a golden retriever puppy. You know, strange wacky things we art people pretend to find understanding in. 

"If something was to be created just for the sake of being beautiful and admired, there was simply enough of a reason for it’s utter existence, no questions. But there is a current battle against beauty, for the 20^th century call to “usefulness” has created a barrier to pure-motived creativity. Viewers are now consumers, looking around them asking, 'what can I get out of this?' and ignoring whatever they cannot personally get use out of."

   ^ An excerpt from my essay. I know you're absolutely dying to read the other eight pages, but I'm just going to tease you with that tidbit. Anyway, Reader, I bet you're asking yourself (self) "why is this girl talking about her weird art school homework and how does this apply to anything?" Well, inquisitive reader, typing this painfully thick essay actually made me think. I know, THINK. Wut. It make me think thoughts about the word "beauty" and why I do art. Honestly, I really just like to draw cute things that make people smile. I hate writing "artist statements" and I don't particularly enjoy having to throughly explain why I draw things. So there's that. 

   And then I thought about God. Yes, we knew that this post would classically take this turn. The Ultimate Artist. The Creator. The Potter forming His clay. We are His creation. And He calls us beautiful. Any why are we beautiful? Because we can offer Him anything or benefit Him in any way? Because He needs us? No. You guys, no matter how important we think we are, we are not vital to this world. We were created to simply be a delight and delight in the Father. He loves us for the sake that we are His, and we don't do anything or give anything to earn that. When I create a piece of art work on my own time, I put effort and thought into what I am creating. I am passionate about what I'm conducting, and after completing it I appreciate it. It can't give me anything, it can't serve me in any way. I just hang it up and give it value because it was created from my hands and I cherish it.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light."

1 Peter 2:9

   We are here to be cherished by the marvelous Creator and bring Him glory. Back to the dumb essay. The guy in the video made some interesting points that without frivolous things like beauty and loveliness, the quality of life is dead. What increases the quality of life?  Many people would say their goals in life are to get married, be successful in their career, have kids, have a balanced life... All wonderful things, of course. But if you merely check things off your life-list, true satisfaction never really seems to come. Many thoughts including terms like "purpose" and "happiness" float around in my mind. Many people do live with the intent to discover personal happiness, or an aspect of achieving goals and dreams. There have for sure been days like this. Days where I intend to get list of things done, or wake up and absent-mindedly ask myself "how can I best entertain myself today?". At a school where I'm told that my own artistic expression is the most important thing I have, it's so easy to mull through my days, just absorbed in how I can further this success. 

   But then I remember the life Christ wants for me. I remember Love and what living with that looks like. It's not throwing daily responsibility out the window. Do I want to be excellent in my work and do my best? Definitely. But I won't labor out of a fear of failure. I will work because God gave me a desire to create and the ability to do so, and I will simply use that in all I do. With this eternal perspective, a failure seems minute. And it's freeing to give these tasks to the Father who can do as He may with them, and always knows the best way to do them. So the pressure ain't on my limited human abilities, twitches. It's by His strength I get to do everything. PTL, as the kiddos say.  

   So the C.S. Lewis quote we began with. Friendship. Relationships. So the quote made me think of this little post I'm currently typing. Like beauty, friendship can be seen as a delicacy, something not usually a priority by those who wish to "succeed". But a life without loving others is a dead one. We were created to be relational. And there's a different between establishing a large social base and walking through life with others. We make friends with either intentions to receive love or give it fully. And if I'm socially floating around, silently screaming to be accepted and better-dealing some over others to feel the best about myself, I will grow numb to deep friendship- that is NOT how the relational kingdom is supposed to work. Listening and being there and loving (and sometimes not receiving love in return)- that's the cup of tea we're looking for. If I'm the biggest, baddest, most glitzy-glam children's book illustrator in the U.S.A. (ha), but I leave my SCAD experience without having grown in an ounce of fellowship, that would honestly be time wasted. Absorb that for a sec. That kind of takes the stress away, honestly. I'm still going to work hard, but if I'm not the #1 or the most appreciated, that is okay because the most important thing in my life is to love God and love people. And when I'm on my dorm floor scribbling lines at 2 AM for a project due the next morning, it's honestly going to be okay. Because the perspective I get to live with is an eternal one, this is a mist of a life. And PRAISE GOD that my mist isn't supposed to be about me and my success. Pressure off. Poof.